The dangers of "should"

It's been three months since I have written anything here.  Three months since I had a quiet piece of time to sit and think and listen to myself.  Three months since I've been in an emotional place to do it.  

It's not that I didn't HAVE the time - certainly not that I could not have MADE the time.  It was more that I knew I didn't have the clarity of what to say next.  So it's been three months.

A lot has happened, practically, in these last few months as well, and that needs to be acknowledged.  Trauma and grief and joy and celebration have all crammed into this time.  For me personally, both sickness and health cycled in as well.  When I write all of this down and take a look at it, it's easier to give myself a break and be kind and understanding with myself about why so much time has passed without me feeling like I could authentically engage.  Of course.  

But each day while I was moving through it, it didn't feel like I could be understanding with myself.  I realized that not only was this expectation of something not helping me do it, it was actively working against what my desire and goal was.  

It was this feeling of "should" which was haunting me every day.  

We all have these definitions and stories of ourselves.  Who we are.  How we show up.  How we behave.  What we say and do.  We navigate external pressures but if we're honest - it's mostly the internal pressure that is heaviest.

These last three months I have felt the self-imposed internal pressure big time.  I felt as if I should be engaging a certain way with my audience, with a certain kind of message and at a certain cadence.  But I also felt that keeping up this prescribed communication felt inauthentic.  

Even though I thought I "should", I didn't engage because I really felt that I could not do so in an honest way.  And if trust and honesty are gone - the Foundation is gone.  

So here I am, coming back three months later with an honesty and transparency I could not have had before, but that I think is really important if I'm going to continue.  

The danger of "should" is that it is forced.  It is coerced.  It requests a kind of engagement that isn't authentic or honest and doesn't listen first, just reacts.  "Should" is disconnected.  "Should" is a request for activity that is defined by outside elements.  

And here's what I know.  When I live for "should", I am not actually the one doing the living of my own life.

OOOO I need to say that again.

When we live from a place of "should", we aren't the ones actually living our own lives.

And that's why I was stuck.  Because these last few months I felt like I should be doing one thing, but authentically not having the space or time to do it - and so I felt caught in the in-between. 

Well,  I'm now un-catching myself.  I am no longer going to engage on the level of "should".  To do so requires that I have the courage to listen to myself, to hold myself accountable and to show up in a way that is honest, not necessarily expected.  But it'll be real that way.  

And so that means I may not write a blog for a few months.  It may mean I don't post on social media in a way that desperately tries to get an algorithm to validate me.  It may mean that any correspondence with my audience doesn't always come at 8:23AM every Tuesday morning.

But it also means that when I do show up, it's me and I'm there and I mean it.  

And that's better.