I go to the water

I knew I would have to leave my NYC studio apartment to get it all done in the way I wanted and needed to. It's been two years since I learned that my father passed away, and in that time I had processed a lot and learned SO much about myself.  I felt pulled to write about it as a way to fully process and acknowledge what I learned.  I knew that just finding two hours to write in between work and life in NYC was not going to yield the kind of result that I deserved.  So I decided to schedule a self retreat.  I could have gone almost anywhere, but for some reason felt pulled to go somewhere very near water.  The ocean, specifically.  

So here I am on an island in the Caribbean, sitting on my balcony at the quietest corner of the hotel.  I get up for the sunrise and have my coffee beside me.  I meditate with the ocean breeze passing over me and helping me Remember how to breathe.  The waves coming in slow my heartbeat down and help me to focus on my self.  On a night halfway through my retreat I go for a walk to explore the property.  I go a bit further than most others do, to places where nature is left alone.  There is where I find it.  

The connection. 

I look down and I see villages of animals and snails.  I gaze over on some rocks and see crabs busying themselves and occasionally dueling it out for territory.  I can hear the birds and see one dive from way up high into the ocean for some food.  There are tiny lizards too, scurrying around looking for food.  When I stop and take notice, I see that there is an entire world just off in one quiet corner.  Then I realize, this small piece of the world represents us all.  

The ocean is the grounding force for me.  Spending time by the ocean Reminds me of just how powerful nature is.  It helps put everything into perspective and realize that the things I allow to take up head and heart space are not deserving of it.  

We are all connected.  Interestingly, what I found this week was that getting back into nature and connecting there first helped me feel more connected to people.  There is something about spending time in nature that triggers something fundamental in me.  That's why I come here.  That's why I know that in order to do the work I need to do to move forward, I need to be doing it from a place of deep connection.  Unless I can connect, I won't be able to find it.  

It's as if I'm walking through a space unknown to me, finding my way with only dim light around.  Nature brings a connection that is like a flashlight.  Suddenly I get it - I understand my surroundings and know where to go and how to get there.  Maybe it's just me, but this is what I knew would happen here and why I knew I had to come.  

It would be good, too, if I could take this connection with me.  To find a way to incorporate it into my being no matter where I am.  After all, I won't always be able to be on a balcony gazing at the ocean.  I will eventually go back and continue my life in other places of this amazing world.  

I'd like that to be a main takeaway from this trip.  Instead of just coming here to do the things, check off the boxes and move on; to really keep a piece of it.  When I'm in a hotel in Chicago...in DC...in NYC...in Mexico...with my family in PA...can I be connected then and there?  Perhaps that is the real work.  To not forget.  

To not forget.