Control

The pic I chose for this was a little dramatic...but not much! Sometimes when I'm feeling out of control, that reaction fits perfectly.  It's very uncomfortable and is a place and state of being that I'm working on getting more, well, comfortable with.

For me, sometimes an actual or perceived lack of control can illicit an outward reaction.  More often than not, though, my reaction to a lack of control comes up for me in ways that I am just linking back to, and that are less obvious.  There are behaviors I engage in that I am just now realizing are a reaction of mine to a feeling of being out of control.  Last week I had one such realization around the way I was behaving in relationship with other people.

There is a pattern that ends up emerging, if you are brave enough to really look at your self and your behavior.  I discovered this behavior a while ago (years) and so now, I'm pretty good at curbing it before it starts.  But, because I'm human and always learning, sometimes these patterns show up again, and I get the re-learn these lessons as reminders and gifts.  

As I was struggling through this last time, it dawned on me, too, that I tend to revert to older habits when things are ramped up a notch or two around me.  

Currently, there is a global pandemic.  Yep - that'll do it!  

As was my previous default, I would overbook myself; become uber-busy and distract myself as a way of enacting faux control.  Really, I was avoiding whatever it was I felt out of control about out of a fear.  At the time, because this distraction felt productive and positive, it made it harder to determine that it was, in fact, a crutch.

Now that I'm on the other side of this particular experience, I can share a renewed perspective.  The thing I learned this time is a bigger lesson than before, I think - but one I couldn't have learned without all the ones before this.  

Ultimately, very little is actually in our control.  The only things that are, are our choices and behavior.  Moving forward then, I'll take a beat to think about this and what my reaction is to circumstances and things swirling around me.  I'll try and take a moment to react from a still, calm and aware place so make sure I check in with myself before making the next choice.  Perhaps, that's the greatest control of all?